Saturday, October 29, 2011

{you are my sunshine}

Ironically I've spent this snowy October morning singing the words to "You Are My Sunshine."
It's snowing. In October. I really don't know how to handle that. 

In any case, the Snake and I hung out all morning
tidying up mommy and daddy's bedroom and watching cartoons
Guess who was doing which?

I hummed the tune as that little boy crawled or walked to me 
and offered up hugs or put his head on my shoulder.
I thought about the words to that sweet song and realized:

That boy  is my sunshine, my  only sunshine. 
He   does make me happy when skies are grey... and all the time.
He really will   never know how much I love him.
Please, please, please God don't ever take my sunshine away. 
(I don't even want to think about the last part.)

My mind wandered so I thought I'd share where it went:

I used to read and hear how it is impossible to understand a mother's love 
until you experience being a mother yourself. 
Well... don't I know it now!
That boy has been making my heart fill up with joy since that first moment I saw him
all covered in goo on his birthday and everything.
At the time, I thought it was the adrenaline from giving birth that made me feel like that joy.
In the last 13 months, 1 week, and 1 day,
I have discovered that it wasn't the adrenaline,
it was  love .
I know that for a fact because I still feel that same thing when I see my boy 
crawling, walking, laughing, crying, smiling, spilling, dropping, sneaking.
Whatever he does, I watch him and think that's my boy.
Not in a "Good job! That's my boy!" but in a 
"That's the boy that grew in my belly and swirled around making me nauseated  
and kicked my ribs and hiccupped every day at 6pm and entered the world from within me."
That's the boy that God gave me and Phil. Our boy. 

Not that it is always easy. I'm not always walking on clouds in love with him.
My friends know I have a hard time with him. 
Just this morning he was whining. Clinging to me. 
Letting out the saddest baby cries he could possible muster when I put him down to dust or pick up.
I grew frustrated. Asked him to stop it please (I asked really nicely).
I gave up. Played with him. Entertained him. Snuck away to clean again. 
Came back. Played some more. Carried him. Hugged him. Kissed him. 
It is really hard sometimes to do stuff with him. Sometimes I cry with him.

It's hard but always always always 
I know that he is is the best thing that's ever happened to us. 
Who the hell cares if the bathroom is clean? Well... I do.  I care a lot. 
But the bathroom pales in comparison to how much Jake's mere being fills my heart. 
I try to remember that I get one today, one this morning, one this minute with that child. 
Never again will be be 13 months, 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, and fifty minutes old like he is right now.

I've known Jacob for 9 months longer than any one else in the world
so to me it is nine times more baffling to see him grow. 
Sometimes I feel that my heart can hardly contain the love I feel for that kid. 
I really, really do. 
Sometimes I see him smile and my heart skips a beat 
and I think to myself: "Really? That's it? How can I feel this way just because of a smile?"
It is what it is. I wouldn't change it for the world. 

He'll never know how much I love him
but if kisses are the  measurement,
I sure am trying my best to show him. 

You are my sunshine.
My only sunshine.
You make me happy,
when skies are grey
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.


Unknown said...

What a cutie! New follower from followers fest :)

Jamie said...

he is sooo sweet! I totally relate, I sometimes just have to cry with my daughter too. Your a good mommy I can tell, hopefully they can tell how much we love them!

Meredith said...

That was a tear jerker Es. Your writing is beautiful.

Sarah {the fontenot four} said...

Hi! New follower from followers fest!

jessi bridges said...

Awww. So true!! I never understood that either, how people would tell me they didn't know they could love someone they didn't even know so much, yet they do. And now I get it! I mean, the second he was born, he had my heart.
Um, and that dinosaur hat is SOOO adorable. He is precious.

Thank you for your sweet comment on my blog. Hope you have a lovely Monday!


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