Tuesday, December 13, 2011

{ following that good ol' motherly instinct }

After almost two months, I went back to the gym this morning.
I had taken some time off to get used to my husband's new work schedule...
(and I have a gut to show for it.)

There is a small childcare room at my gym 
so we rushed out the door this morning at 8:35 so I could drop off my boy 
in time to make it to a 9am cardio class.

Well, let's just say it was an epic fail. 

I had brought the Snake once before in the afternoon and he freaked out.
Cried the entire time.
I blamed it on being tired, possibly hungry, and being the first time.
I thought it would be different today because
he's a chirpy and active little fella in the mornings.
My thought process, went something like this:
"There are plenty of toys and, worst come to worst, there are videos he can watch.
Plus there are a bunch of other kids to keep him entertained."
I was sure he would be fine for an hour.

I was wrong.

He spent 40 minutes straight crying and sitting by the door.
I swear I could hear him over the loud, thumping music...
but I might have just been hearing the sound of my own guilt.

Finally, twenty minutes before the class was over, I could take it no longer.
I dropped the weights, put back the step, 
and just picked him up.
I just couldn't take it any longer...

Don't get me wrong. I am all for "toughening" him up and not coddling,
Considering he's sporting a black eye this very day
which is the result of taking a fall into a broomstick that was on the ground
(Can you see it in these pictures? It's actually subsiding.)
My feeling on this matter is "boys will be boys..."
I practiced a moderate version of the crying out sleep training method
and I don't think bumps and bruises will kill him.
I don't consider myself "a coddler."

But you have to know... my kid doesn't cry when I leave him places.
In fact, he waves good bye and shuts the door behind me.

So when he sobs at the gym,
I know something is off,
and my motherly instinct tells me he feels some sort of fear when he's in that room.
I don't know what it is or why he feels that way
and I definitely don't understand it...
but I accept it.

I was reading a book of reflections for mothers the other morning
and, in light of today's ordeal, I've been thinking about one of the lines written:

"With motherhood, though, 
and with staying home in particular, 
I quickly learned that 
it wasn't about me, after all. 
In fact it wasn't even a little bit about me. 
It was all about the babies." 

Danielle Bean, the author, goes on to recognize that it is a real sacrifice a mom 
especially because you have to give up many things one might enjoy.
(Of course, she writes about how worthwhile of a sacrifice it is
and how one should still pursue their talents and hobbies in a way that fits your family's lifestyle.)

What struck me even more, though, was that she follows up saying:

"During the early years, it helps to keep in mind that you're in the throes of making a profound and life changing adjustment."

Now those aren't necessarily earth shattering words...
but they're exactly what today's episode revealed to me.
It's time for an adjustment.
While I may love the gym, it doesn't fit my family's lifestyle right now.
Maybe in the future, maybe not.
For now I have to find an alternative route to being healthy and (hopefully) fit.
Am I disappointed? Of course. Would I like it to be different? Yes, ma'am I would.
But, for now at least, it's all about that baby sleeping peacefully in his crib.

This may cause criticism and judgement from some of you who are reading this 
or from family and friends who might disagree with how I am choosing to deal with this situation,
but in the end, I'm following my motherly instinct 

and truthfully what's most important is that I am entirely comfortable with it.


Carina Schoen said...

Good for you for doing what you feel is best. More and more I am learning it isn't all about what we "should" do as parents, it's about knowing our kids and doing what's right for our family.

Unknown said...

Agreed with Carina. Sonmany people judge and tell you how you should do things. Motherly instinct I always best!!!

Lindsay @ Delighted Momma said...

Yes Motherly instinct is a powerful thing! I can totally relate to this! You and your son and so cute together in the pictures above :)

Petchie said...

I don't have any children but I completely understand where you are coming from because i have 10 younger siblings. My mother is the same way and I am sure I will be the same as well when I have kids. You could always do stuff together like take him for walks everyday.


Sandy a la Mode said...

i don't know anything about being a mom but i will soon! i think you should go with your instinct though despite what others say!! and you know your kid the best!!


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