Sunday, February 26, 2012

{ baby, i'm coming home }

For the last three years, I have been traveling to Costa Rica in January or February.
After the craziness of the holidays in December, I spend the first days of the year getting ready for being away for a week or two or almost three.
Although I still get caught up in the commotion of New Year’s resolution trends
my personal new year really starts when my annual trip to CR ends.

Right now, as I sit in my dad’s living room,
putting off packing so I can rest for a few minutes,
I feel a void in my stomach.
I’m nervous because tomorrow’s new beginning scares me.

I feel the pressure that perhaps normal people feel on January 1
to be a better person when I get home
to change my ways
to be more organized
to be a better mom
to be a better wife
to pray more
to eat better
to sleep more
to use the computer less
to do laundry more regularly
to read more
to be nicer

In truth, I’m always trying to do those things, but this time away allows me 
to take a step out of my reality so I can analyze just how much I can improve.

Perhaps that’s the reason I feel so much pressure. 
This time has shown me that there is a lot of room for improvement and that realization scares me.

I’m SO looking forward to being in my home.
On my territory.
Where I know what my responsibilities are and I have a daily routine to depend on.

Yet I really love the escape from real life.

Here in Costa Rica all I have to do is meet the most basic of tasks.
Showering, eating, sleeping, and making sure we have clean clothes.
While it is difficult to travel with a toddler, it’s not nearly as difficult as having to fulfill basic tasks and also work, clean a house, run errands, etc.

I’m scared of getting home to facing real life.
Because real life is hard, kids.
Vacation rocks… but, unfortunately, it’s not made for permanency.

As I write this I know my subconscious is trying to figure out a way to avoid real life
while at the same time returning to the life I truly love so much.

But that’s a tiny bit impossible, isn’t it?

I know all I can do is get on that plane headed for America and pick up where I left off:
Trying to be a better mom. A better wife. Pray more. Eat better. Etc. You know the deal.

I guess all I can do is accept the challenge. 


grey rose (they/them) said...

i hear this. praying for you.
YOU CAN do this!
and praying for safe travels, girl. xo

Dear Boys Love Mom said...

I wake up everyday telling myself to be better, more patient, less judgmental and to be a better wife, but in reality, we are all doing these things. I feel like I go through spurts where I spend more time really focusing on being the best version of myself. Have you ever read the Happiness Project? You should! I am almost done with it and it is a very inspiring book. I would love to chat about the book with someone else if you decide to get started.


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