holy week and easter always have bittersweet meaning to me.
a few years back, on holy thursday,
i found myself in a church full of people
and, because i was going through a very difficult time,
i praying for some good news to arrive on good friday and
hanging on to every word of that evening's mass.
i was inhaling every sentence.
wishing, hoping, praying for a sign from my God that i needn't worry.
that everything would be ok.
we stood for the gospel. and i listened.
surely the Lord would grant me some peace for my heart.
that's when the priest read from the Gospel of John
and God incredibly clearly spoke to me
to this day i am in disbelief at how clearly I can hear His voice when I listen.
“What I do you do not realize now,
but you will understand hereafter.”
in that moment, i was silently devastated. tears flooded my eyes.
i knew for certain that the outcome I was hoping for would not come to be.
and like Jesus, i knew i would have to accept God's will.
with hope and certainty that His plan is perfect beyond my understanding.
i would look forward to Easter Sunday for hope
that there is a reason for my pain and suffering
that something good would come from it
i have to admit that sometimes
i still don't feel like the Easter after this personal "event" has come to pass
it certainly didn't come on the third day.
i wonder if i've missed it altogether.
but I pray that i haven't.
then God gives me peace in knowing that He's not done with this yet.
(have patience, He reminds me)
God's timing is not my timing.
when you go through something so abruptly life changing,
i think it's hard to see the good that comes from it.
i feel as though i'm still living my holy saturday.
what has come to pass has passed
but will be is yet to be.
the one thing i know for sure is that it will be.
i apologize for being so vague.
the details of this time in my life are extremely personal
and continue to be a wound in my heart
i doubt that i will ever be able to share the entire story with the world
but please trust me that my hardship was raw and real by any measure.
i share this with you not to create an aura of mystery around me
i share it in hopes of giving someone hope in time of adversity
there is a light. there is hope.
even if we don't understand why things are the way they are
there is Someone who understands and who has a perfect plan.
our prayers should perhaps be, not to understand,
but to blindly trust that His plan is perfect.