Tuesday, April 17, 2012

{ my only child }

i forgot about the 12 week appointment i had scheduled with my midwife this morning.
you know... the one that every parent looks forward to. 
the first time they hear their child's heartbeat. 
talk about mom guilt.

i haven't been dwelling on it too much, though, 
because when i got the annoyed phone call from the receptionist saying 
"hi esther, you had an appointment today" 
i was sitting outside watching my boy crack up while turning lawn furniture upside down. 

to tell you the truth, while i am thoroughly enjoying being pregnant 
and looking forward to having a new baby in the fall, 
i've been spending most of my time concerned with my jake.

when i found out we were expecting, i was overjoyed.
but soon after, every time i looked at jacob, 
the realization that he wont be an only child any longer sunk in.
i felt a pit in my stomach every time i thought about it.

so i decided that i needed to make a serious effort to enjoy the months before the new baby
before the "just jake" era comes to an end.
it's a time that i will never get back.
that makes me sad and excited at the same time.

adding a baby to this family only feels right.
this baby is already wanted and loved more than it knows.

i know that jacob will l o v e having a sibling. 
they'll grow up together, get into trouble together, play together.
i'm so looking forward to watching all of it. 

but i just can't help but want to soak in every single moment that i have alone with jacob.
when i say s o a k it in... i can't even express the extent to which i mean that. 

i hold him so tight and too long when he gives me hugs. 
i kiss him too often. 
it's as if i'm trying to get it all in before he starts getting embarrassed of mom's  displays of affection.

sometimes i find myself staring at him. 
my mind speedily rewinds through the last 19 months of his life 
and i can't believe the amazing human being that he has already become.

we play cars. i build the car tracks several times a day.
we sit and play with chalk.
i let him dump all the crayons even if he colors for 2 seconds.

i used to turn on a tv show so i could get "me time" 
now cuddle up next to him. listen to his laughs and sounds he thinks are words.

lately, jake has picked up an affinity for books and wants me to read them all the time.
at night, he asks me to read the same three books over and over and over. 
phil says jake is taking advantage of me.
what i haven't told him is that i don't care.
yes- i'm exhausted. i want to lounge on the couch. i want to go to bed.
i want child free time more than anything.
but seeing the wonder in my son's eyes as i turn the pages
makes those extra 10 minutes worth it. 

the laundry goes undone, unfolded. dishes pile. dust collects. 
it drives me bonkers. and sometimes i do sit jake in front of the tv 
so i can surf the web or at least sweep the floor. 

but for the most part i'm just enjoying my only child. 
my first born.
the light of my world.


Amanda said...

Your pictures are beautiful!! :)

TicoTina said...

I very much identify with this. each stage of life seems to kind of need to morn the passing of the last. we were a little sad that it wouldn't be just us anymore when we were going to have Maeve and then when it wasn't going to be just her we went through the same thing. but somehow two kids together is so much cooler than just one! it's awesome =)


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