Monday, January 14, 2013

// confidence


i wasn't going to do a "word" for this year like i did last year
but i have felt God speaking to me about this year. whispering in my ear.
i have felt Him saying:
have c o n f i d e n c e.
be c o n f i d e n t 
d o  n o t  b e  a f r a i d 

if you know me in person, you know i have a bit of a 'tude that may come off as confidence.
but i don't think it is.
i actually question myself all the time.
i question my choices, my priorities, my decisions.
it's a hassle actually.

this  came to my email the other day and it really spoke to me.

afraid to fail. afraid of judgement. afraid of what people will think. afraid. that's what i am a lot of the time.

my kids have been getting sick recently. the ped keeps telling me that illness is just running a muck right now. and yet i blame myself and i wonder what people will think of my mothering skills. will they think i'm not caring for them as best as i can?

i'm afraid that someone will notice that my shoes don't match my earrings, that my hair is a bit frizzy, that my kids are too loud in church, that my house isn't clean. because i'm afraid that means i'm failing.

i was afraid to open the little etsy shop. what if it doesn't go well? what if we don't make even one sale? i was dwelling on this on wednesday. getting down on myself for not doing things right and thinking about backing out of the whole thing. i hadn't seen any information pointing to any sales at all. then i logged into etsy to peruse and get used to the merchant side of things. when i clicked on a link that i hadn't gone to before, there they were: FIVE sales. what? yes. 5. i was so encouraged by it. it was as if God was telling me... "here you go. now keep going."

at the same time, i've felt the Lord tugging at me to use this blog in some ways that i am scared of. i have to admit that i'm still hesitant to be spiritual on here or write things pointing to any sort of "God-stuff" i usually have to talk myself through clicking "publish" after i write a post just like this one. we live in such a politically correct world where most people avoid ever mentioning any sort of deity and i fall into that same routine of not mentioning that i believe in a big, great God. i find myself having a hard time writing about God and religion when i know there are people who read my blog who might be offended by my beliefs. i have a little voice in my ear saying:
what if they don't believe?
what if they're not christian?
what if they're not catholic?
if there is anything i want to do this year, this life, on this blog, is to be confident in my faith. my family lives life differently. we pray we praise we live for Jesus. i want to be outwardly confident in that.

that blog post by my favorite friars that i just linked to above

triggered what i thought God wanted to tell me to remember this year.
he's confirmed it in other ways and so i've listened. i'm trying to, anyway.

so this year. i'm on a mission to be confident. to not second guess myself. to not question myself.
i am who i am and the decisions i make, hopefully made prayerfully, are good enough for me, my husband, and my God. that should be good enough for anyone.

Jesus says be free and joyful – don’t be a slave to the expectations of others, don’t be a slave to this nagging fear of inadequacy. 
Jesus says, don’t be so concerned with the results, 
be concerned with a confident, joyful attitude.


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2 comments:

No(dot dot)el said...

Esther- I love your word and you and this post! I'm so glad you opened your shop which is really great btw,as are YOU! I'm excited to read more of your faith posts because I know that in just your everyday life post you are encouraging, so I can only imagine how much more so you will be when it comes to your walk with God.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you are the bomb-diggity girl!

No(dot dot)el said...

Oh and I almost forgot to say, I love what you have done with the place. I haven't been here in a while and it looks SOOooo good!

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