Wednesday, May 15, 2013

// today

Today I’m going to be uncensored and honest. I’m not going to sweeten things up because life isn’t always sweet.

Today I am blind. I don’t see the silver lining on the cloud. I don’t see God’s plan.

Today I want to run as fast as I can with no destination. Just run, run, run.

Today I want to reach out to whoever is in charge and say “I don’t think I’m cut out for this position.” I want to say “Can’t you see the house is messy?” I can’t meet all the needs of the kids. I can’t go food shopping. I can’t figure out a schedule that works. I cant do everything. “Can’t you see I’m overwhelmed?”

Today I believe someone made a mistake. Someone though that I could be a stay at home mom. That I had the patience to pick up after little people and wipe their snotty noses and dirty behinds. That I could manage do 10 loads of laundry in one day and not go a little batty. That I had the mental capacity to hear a little voice repeat things over and over. That I could make dinner, foster meaningful relationships with friends, be an attentive wife, manage small amounts of money for food shopping and diapers, go to the post office, get dressed up for events,
go to meetings, and pass for a gracious hostess.

Someone was wrong.

Today I don’t see the point in cleaning up the play room, making a bed, cooking a meal. I just don’t get it

Today my kid has watched 2 hours (and counting) of tv just because I’m apparently incompetent when it comes to raising small children.

Today I feel like I’m not good at this. Like maybe I should have a 9-5 and a nanny and a chef and a cleaning lady and a personal assistant, because they would do a much better job than I am doing. Not because I'm lazy, but because I feel paralyzed in things to do and plans to do.

Today I feel like I am going to snap if I have to make a meal, feed a meal, clean a meal one.more.time.

Today I feel like I need a way to take the decision to stay home back.
Today I feel guilty for having all of these feelings. 

Today I feel like I am going to dwell on these things, believe these things, just for today. Today I’m going to cry more than a little bit. Today I will cry out to the Lord and pound my fists and stomp my feet and ask Him why? Why is it so hard? Why can’t you make things easier? Why? Why? Why?

Just today.


Unknown said...

I think it's good to feel this way sometimes. It makes the moments when you realize you are doing exactly what you are meant to be doing that much sweeter!

thetwistedruffle said...

we all feel that way at times. i'm right in that place right now. that i've got a situation at home that seems impossible for me to handle. something that is very serious and i'm even a little frightened about what could happen on any given day. today is especially one of those days. i even took a shower just in case i have to call the police (for the 3rd time in fewer than 6 months) and i don't want them to think that i'm some crazy mom who can't handle her son. it's exhausting and terrifying all at the same time. i realize your kids are little, but the situation being different doesn't change the feeling of helplessness or stress. one day we'll be stronger for it (although i can hardly see how that will help me now) and we can trust that god is working in my life.

hang in there girl. god is with you. i'm sure you're a great mom. and just because they watched 2 hours of tv doesn't mean anything bad about you. it's okay, give yourself some slack.

just recently, one of my kids said something about how i hate to cook and then my father in law said his mother cooked for everyone all the time. then, i said that i always snuggle and kiss and love them (a lot) and his mother never did. we are all different and have different strengths too. my kids might grow up remembering that i hated to cook, but they will always remember how much i loved to snuggle and love on them.....

(this became so long...sorry!)

Tasha Early said...

UM. YES. This post could have been written by yours truly just three days ago. I literally cried myself to sleep that night!

Jess said...

And today I will pray for you :)

Jess said...

I should clarify my "pray for you" I mean it in a good way! To help you LOL. Not in a "I can't believe you think those things way"

I think those things and I only have one kid and I work out of the home. Your a saint, dude.

Unknown said...

I totally get how you feel. Every once in a while I just have that day-or two- of crying, asking whys, and being angry. I think that it's actually HEALTHY to go through these emotions. If we didn't have these dark times, how can we reason back to ourselves and remind ourselves WHY we are doing what we do.
Sometimes it means that I need to take a day (or two) to just be. Let the dishes go, let the laundry pile, let the kids watch too much TV with food in their hair and snacks on the floor.
I use that time to REST. I use that time to THINK. I force myself to PRAY. I TALK to someone (usually hubby).
After allowing myself that time to recoup physically and mentally, I go to confession. The next day I start with a clean slate.

My hubby talks with me during these times and helps me access my reasoning. It always turns out that my expectations are WAY too high:

I'm worried that I will ruin my children with too much TV, not enough educational activity, not enough play-time with friends, I think something may be wrong with this child because she is acting this way ~what did I do wrong?~, I am not Betty Crocker (why am I not like so-and-so who cooks all these healthy meals for their family?), why wasn't I gifted with physical strength? (mommy so-and-so always takes their kids to the park or for walks or carries them in a sling), why can't I be like so-and-so whose children are so smart? (what am I doing wrong?)... the list goes on.

Hubby looks me in the eyes and tells me that there is NOTHING wrong with me or the children. He asks me to tell him all of the positive things that we CAN do. I always feel better in the end and I realize that those expectations are unreasonable and I just need to let the children and myself BE. I like to apologize to each child (and to myself) for expecting them to be more than God made them to be. Then I just spend time with them. I re-adjust my priorities in my schedule. CHILDREN COME FIRST. They will not be babies forever, so I spend some time playing with them, wresting with them, talking to them one-on-one... just loving them as they are. It's absolutely therapeutic. Once I feel that I have figured out the WHY I AM DOING ALL THIS, chores can easily be done with a smile in my heart.

I hope you are feeling better now that you had a great venting. :) and I hope that in reading this, you feel validated (because I feel bad after realizing what an awful tangent this has been haha!).

God bless you my sister, I will offer a special prayer for you!


Cara said...

I have so been there...and its okay to feel like this...just for today! God will make it better tomorrow

Unknown said...

Love you Esther!

carolynmp said...

I hear ya... and I only have one!

Diana @ Red Delicious Life said...

I have been EXACTLY where you are and I feel for you. Deciding to stay at home with my little one was the hardest decision I've ever made and it's easily the hardest job in the world, yet so rewarding on what seems like rare occasions.

I always needed to vent, step back and ask my husband for more help. If only for me to get out of the house for an hour to sit in a starbuck's, sipping a latte while reading a magazine - just so I could feel normal for a little while before going back to the chaos.

Hang in there.


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