A Mother’s Fears On The First Day Of Pre-School
How did this day come so soon? The first day of pre-school.
It is my son’s first day of school… and mine too. It is my
first time leaving one of my offspring to be taught things by someone else.
Just a few years ago my son was a beautiful, cone-headed,
7.2 pounder newborn… tiny, healthy, and helpless laying in a hospital bassinet.
Now he shyly and curiously walks towards the school’s door.
His backpack full of empty folders that he does not know what they are for, a
lunch he probably will not eat, extra clothes he will most likely need as he
forgets, or is too nervous, to use the tiny toilet within the strange room that
is his first-ever classroom.
All I can think is: how did this happen? I did not see
myself here so soon.
My gut is turning. Butterflies flying. Tears well up and
block my vision. I’m tempted to take him home. Cancel the whole thing. We’ll be
back next year. Maybe.
I am sure that in his three-year-old brain, my son is
processing the same emotions. It is funny how we can feel the same things for
completely different reasons.
He may feel scared when he does not see me or when he does
not recognize any faces around him. It is expected, of course.
For me it is different.
Whatever is ahead of us is unknown, as it is with every big
milestone in life. The unknown, regardless of the situation, can be slightly
frightening.
Personally, I cautiously fear that someone will exclude him.
That he will be hurt. This is good practice for both of us. Perhaps one or more
of his classmates will reject him for silly things like not using the potty all
the time, for not knowing how to use a pencil, or for being too enthusiastic at
inappropriate times. His feelings will probably be hurt. Yet this is an
opportunity for us to prepare for a future when bigger rejections come as they
always do. He will have to learn how to cope with them and I to let him cope.
Pre-school. It is such a silly time to think about this. So
silly that it almost seems melodramatic. Yet it is the biggest milestone to
date for this mother to be letting go of the grip that my first-born has had on
me and on my heart. It is the three-year-old child’s equivalent to driving off in
a car on his own for the first time, going away to college, or getting married.
In all situations they are headed for things that are out of the control of a
good-intentioned mother like me.
For the past three years my son has had no other stronger
influence on his personality, behavior, and attitude than his father and me.
Suddenly, a kind, loving, and patient teacher has swept in and stood in her
place next to us as another role model for my impressionable little one.
Frightening, I tell you.
Lastly, what could be more terrifying than knowing he has
embarked on this journey called growing up? All this time he has been at home,
being a little boy, getting out of bed when he wished to, eating (mostly) at
his leisure, not having a single care in the world.
This year, he begins slowly learning how to step outside of
himself. It is pre-school after all, so he will learn simple things like how to
follow directions from superiors who are not his parents, how to share with
others that are not related to him, and how to curb his wishes in order to
adapt to a schedule.
These are all simple skills that will establish in him how
to choose the “better-good” even when it’s not necessarily the “personal-good.”
These are all basic things that one must learn in order to grow. Well into adulthood some people have not mastered any of it.
Maybe the biggest lesson he and I will learn out of today
will be to bravely face our fears. Parting from each other at the classroom
door may be the scariest thing that either of us has had to do in all of my
son’s short years and yet it may be the thing that makes us a little bit better
humans from here on out.
“You
can’t fall if you don’t climb. But there’s no joy in living your whole life on
the ground.” – Unknown
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